Marriage the 2nd Time around!
Like at least half of you out there I have been divorced and now praise God, very happily married again. Being married for me a second time is a force that is greater that I can really explain. I never expected to find a soul mate in my 40’s, but I did. We are extremely happy and that doesn’t just happen by accident. The wisdom that both of us gained from going through a failed first marriage is working overtime to make sure THIS marriage does indeed last until Death Do Us Part.
Are we kidding ourselves? I don’t think so…. the 2nd time around you are much better prepared. You know how hard it is to make a marriage work and before you enter into wedding bliss you make sure of a number of things first!
- Kids… do you want them or not? (we did NOT want anymore!)
- Finances... are you frugal or a credit card daemon? What is their credit score? This is important if you are planning on buying a new home together…
- The In-Laws... Do you get along? Are they going to be meddlesome?
- Holidays… where do you spend them?
- Housework… who does what? why?
- Income… whose in charge of the $$$$$?
- Vacations… alone, together, his kids, her kids, all kids…
- Disappointments come when your expectations are different, so discussing EVERYTHING before you get married is a must!
Ok, so then what… you are committed to one another, your families don’t suck too much, his kids haven’t put out “OFFICIAL” contracts on your life… so how are you going to keep the romance alive for the next 30+ years.
My commitment to myself at the beginning of this new marriage was to be a GREAT WIFE! I can only control what I do… and like in the movie and books about “Fireproof ” You can make your relationship better first! If it’s not what you want it to be.. go first! what’s there to loose? and there is so much to gain.
Here are some of the things we do… OFTEN
- SEX.. yes… I said it! Lots of sex, fun sex, crazy sex, quiet sex, on vacation, at home, in secluded spots…. without a great sexual connection, you become roommates, brother and sister and your eyes and hormones make you less blind to the world around you. Show me a man who has great sex with his wife and I’ll show you a man that has no reason to fool around.
- TALK! We talk about everything and anything. My husband is great at knowing when I have something on my mind and I’m keeping it to myself. He will bug me until I spit it out… and after that… it’s not a big deal. Most things that my slightly whacked out Menopausal brain is telling me are misunderstandings or misinterpretations of what’s true. DON’T let things get out of control… Fix them NOW!
- SILLY STUFF We did lot’s of silly little things for each other when we were dating, and we continue to do silly stuff now. You know the things… leaving little notes hidden, a piece of something silky in his coat pocket, having the stage set when he comes home from work… For Valentine’s day I always line the path with hearts and red and pink things, he acts like it embarrasses him, but I know he’d be disappointed if I stopped making a fuss.
- CHEER him on! It may not be YOUR favorite thing, fishing, football, weight lifting, playing softball.. but you can be his cheerleader! Make him feel like he is YOUR hero! His boss his customers, his co-workers are there every day to beat him down… my job as a great wife is to repair that damage.
- ROMANCE It comes easy for me… I’m a big sap and even my girlfriends and daughters ask me for “to do’s” that are romantic. Men have been told they aren’t romantic because they don’t act like the men in a romance novel act…. TRUE they don’t.. but we don’t really act like those women either… so lets cut them some slack. Romance can be things as simple as remembering what your favorite ice cream is, taking the time to wrap YOUR presents under the tree even though it looks a little like the box has been drop kicked a few times… Look for when they try to be romantic and then PRAISE them for it. You’ll be surprised at how much more he’ll try when you notice.
- RECREATE together! A favorite book of mine “His Needs Her Needs… affair proofing your marriage” says that one of men’s top needs is to have a wife that will be a companion to him in the marriage. If you watched the Bronco’s with him when you dated…hopefully you didn’t pretend to be a football fan just to make him like you… I happen to be as big of a fan as Jim is so we make it an event! I have special Bronco Dip, Bronco Burgers, Orange Crush Daquari’s.
- TIME We enjoy doing the simple things together too, grocery shop, do errands, yard work, decorating the house for the holidays… would it be more efficient to split up those things and do them separately? yes… but it can be a lot more fun if you do it together.
- AFFECTION Men like it just as much as women do… especially if they have that #1 need to take care of “sex”. You’d be surprised at how much more affectionate guys are. Snuggle on the couch, always hold hands, kiss for at least 30 seconds every day. no pecking! We have a sign next to our bed that says “Always Kiss Me Goodnight” and we always do!
I know that lots of you ladies out there are married to guys that won’t respond to the things I’ve talked about… But many of you have just stopped trying or are waiting for him to Go First! Watch that movie Fireproof, and give it a try.. You might be surprised.
I’d love to know your views on marriage or 2nd marriages or if anyone has seen the movie and used those techniques? Just click on the comments and lets chat.
“His Needs – Her Needs, Affair Proofing your Marriage” is also a fantastic book I highly recommend along with “Love Languages.”